But I know there’s about a dozen of you who LIVE for this weekly dosage of vitriol, so I’ll try not to disappoint.

I’m about to embark on some epic traveling (LA! Oahu! Milan! NYC!) broken up incrementally over the next 8 – 10 weeks, so today’s Things I Hate Monday is all about trains, planes and automobiles!

{ The fact that I can’t combine mileage points across various airlines. SO annoying. Can’t everyone just merge with Delta already? Seriously. }

{ The fact that Delta boasts heartily about having Wifi on “thousands of flights,” and yet NEVER has it on any of MY flights. What, I’m supposed to go three and a half hours WITHOUT high-speed Internet? Honestly. }

{ Airlines that carry Pepsi products instead of Coke. Revolting. Shameful. Demeaning. Exactly. }

{ Flight attendants who only give you HALF a can of soda, and put the rest back on their cart. Really?!? I just shelled out several hundred bucks for a round-trip flight, and I can’t even have a WHOLE can of carbonated sacchirine-water? That’s just Cruella DeVille. }

{ The irrational wash of panic that floods my neuroreceptors whenever I get “selected for additional security screening.” This happens to me virtually every time I fly. I guess I look like a hardened criminal. True story: once, my mom gave me a prescription sleeping pill (Ambien) to help me snooze on an international flight. I tucked it next to my chapstick and forgot about it. Then I got pulled aside at the security checkpoint. As the latex-gloved officer rifled through my carefully-rolled panties in search of contraband, I suddenly remembered … unmarked pill … shoved in makeup kit … gonna be arrested … going to jail … cellmate named Big Berta … nooooo!!! Fortunately, he didn’t find nothin’. But I still get horrifed when I’m pulled aside for personalized prodding. }

{ Taxi cabs that smell like ashtrays. And taxi drivers who prattle endlessly about their domestic problems. I’m sorry — and I do empathize — but I’m not a trained psychotherapist. Please let me listen to my iPod in peace. }

{ The fact that luxurious, romantic locomotives — the kind with manicured attendants pushing wheeled trays of piping hot toddies and triangular sandwiches — are merely a novelty tourist trap, and not an actual mode of transport. BOO TIMES TEN MILLION!!! }

{ The fact that my skin always looks amazing & luminous when I’m on vacation (but immediately goes slack & sallow the moment my trip ends). I suspect it has something to do with all the sleep. And sun. And general elation. }

{ All the adventures and sojourns and weekend holidays and spa trips and day trips and road trips with friends and family that I’ve skipped, due to perceived lack of time / money / mobility / etc. NO LONGER! I’ve realized that spontaneous travel is integral to my overall happiness. Making it a Top Life Priority in 3 … 2 … 1 … NOW! }

(Photos via Nights with Alice Cooper)

This is a video of live-action My Little Ponies performing Broadway classics, including “You’re Gonna Love Me” from Dreamgirls and “Defying Gravity” from Wicked.

There are no words. Just watch:

(Image via Media Herald Dispatch)

{ Fairy Tale Teacup Rainforest Weddings. Whether or not you’re planning a wedding — I certainly ain’t! – Offbeat Bride is a marvelous source of stylistic inspiration. Romantic voyagers, take heed! }

{ The cubicle countdown. In exactly 28 days, I bid adieu to the 9-to-5 cubicle lifestyle and officially embark on my freelancin’ adventure! My boss is organizing a Fond Farewell Party for me (bless his heart). Allegedly, it will involve donuts, Lady Gaga remixes and Playstation karaoke. Most excellent. }

{ Orange segments. I’ve taken to eating a ripe orange every morning, along with my cereal of choice and a strong Americano. Breakfast of Champions! }

{ Twitter fanfare. The other day, three or four people were simultaneously retweeting my tweets and linking to me and so forth. I must admit, I felt a momentary swell of pride. It’s nice to be noticed. }

{ Sane decisions. Such as: shutting down my computer at 9:30 pm to allow adequate time for sleep. Posting fewer blog entries, but making them solid-gold. Buying an extra bag of pre-washed spinach, so I don’t run out. And so forth. }

{ The Life & Times of Tim. I have limited patience for office / workplace sitcoms (too close to home?) but this new animated series from HBO is seriously genius. Within the first ten minutes, I was literally LOL-ing. Scope it out. Get into it. }

{ Quoting RuPaul. The phrases “Don’t f*ck it up!” + “Serving up realness” + “Sashay away” + “You better work!” have permanently entered my lexicon. And for that, I am grateful. Oh, and if you’re not already hooked on Season 2 of RuPaul’s Drag Race, you better watch. }

Let’s just take a brief moment and watch a RuPaul music video, shall we? We shall:

P.S. I would willingly punch an innocent bystander in the face in exchange for that sparkly turquoise bodysuit. Innocent bystanders, beware!

{ Loooong hair. My hair is now swishy-side-ponytail length (as documented extensively earlier this week). And still growing … }

{ Free coupons that don’t suck. I got a voucher for a foam / latex “Memory Foam” pillow from Dania in the mail — and I didn’t even fill out no online forms or nuthin’! Those pillows usually cost upwards of 70 bucks. You can bet your sweet buttocks I’m making a trip to Roseville to get my free pillow! }

{ Mysterious muscles. I was shooting a candlelit library-themed self-portrait series of myself (as you do) and I noticed something quite extraordinary — I have arm muscles now! Step aside, Michelle Obama. There’s a new gun show in town. }

{ Homemade hot fudge sauce. Easy-peasy and deeelicious. Mix equal parts Hershey’s Special Extra-Dark Cocoa Powder + Brown Sugar + Almond or Soy Milk + Water. Add a dash of salt, vanilla extract and a pat of butter. Microwave till bubbly. Stir briskly. Let cool. Wowza. }

{ Ayn Rand. I went through a hardcore Randian phase back in my mid-teens. Then I kinda forgot about her. But recently, I read a couple of her most famous quotes. Now I’m re-obsessed in a big way. }

{ When my dad uses the acronym “OMG!” I sent my father some photos from my Rainbow Pancake Brunch (check out Torborg’s Flickr page for stunning visuals) and he replied: “OMG! It looks like a day in the world of Pee-wee Herman!” First off? Correct. And secondly? OMG! You said OMG! I love you, dad. }

{ Pee-wee Herman (in general). Golly gumdrops. After receiving that email from my dad, I went on a nostalgic Pee-wee’s Playhouse video binge. It was quite a journey. And according to the Internet, Pee-wee might be staging a grand comeback! Not a moment too soon, if you ask me. We’ve all forgiven him for that unseemly cinema incident, have we not?

How ’bout one more clip to round out the post, eh?

(Photo via Su-Lin’s Flickr Photostream)

But I’m not talking about demure sideswept locks. Oh no. Hardly. I’m talking about this music video by Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head:

You dig, amigos? I reckoned you might.

Everything I’m wearing was accumulated from various thrift shops and / or my sister’s closet, so no brand-name-boasting today. My sneakers are from the Mall of America. That much I can assure you.

And now, lots of blurry action shots!

(Photos by Yours Truly)

Oh, and have a swell day!

Things I Hate Monday ~ 3.1.10:

{ Needing to pee really, really badly when you’re halfway through a 2-hour winter hike around a frozen lake, with no restrooms in sight. Agony! }

{ Seeing a deluxe, handicapped-size Port-O-Potty across the frozen tundra, getting all a-twitter with anticipation, and then entering … only to find that it is the most Horrific, Disgusting & Filthy Public Toilet EVER. }

{ When you’re microwaving a cup of tomato soup, and it pops and splatters absolutely everywhere. Bootleg! }

{ Wasting fifteen minutes of your life plucking microscopic / invisible hairs from the space between your eyebrows, stepping back from the mirror, and seeing no discernible difference. That’s precious webcomix-reading time you’ll never get back! }

{ Mucus-laden colds that ruin your ability to sleep soundly for days on end.  Gah! }

{ Having to turn down luxurious travel invitations (“Beach house in Hawaii!” “Opera at La Scala!” “Casita in Mexico City!” ) due to work commitments / lack of sufficient luxury travel funds / logistical improbability. Boo. Scorn. Hiss. }

{ The fact that certain woeful gentlemen feel compelled to message me via my online dating profile. What part of “Gay Woman Seeking Other Women” is so bewildering? C’mon, fellas. Don’t perpetuate stereotypes about straight male fascination with femme lesbians. You’re better than that. }

{ The rapidity with which an open bottle of tonic water loses its fizz. What am I supposed to do with 3/4 of a bottle of flat, bitter H20? Splash it on an attacking vampire? Whatev. }

{ Not feeling emotionally ready to throw away my hideous fat-man-sweatpants. Yup — the ones that make me feel like the most unappealing loserette in all the land. I might … need them someday. }

{ The high cost of fresh flowers. Twenty-five bucks for a dozen wilted roses with a sprig of drooping fern? Puh-lease. Is there a nugget of solid gold included with the bouquet? There better be. }

{ Getting all pumped and prepared to mail off a fabulous, witty letter … and realizing that you’re out of stamps. Cue: doldrums. }

{ Earthquakes in Chile. Yeah. Perspective is key. }

(Photo via Byron Bay Beaches)

Today’s Things I Love Thursday will be somewhat truncated — but not for lack of love. Merely for lack of time.

Quality, not quantity, right?

Here goes!

{ Girls with blue hair. Love, love, love. Never stop. Keep it comin’. Stick it to the man. And so forth. }

{ Getting a mix CD from my little sister in the mail. None of the tracks were labeled, but one song sounds like a groove-funk remix of Antony & The Johnsons. Sick! }

{ This little boy. His name is Ike. It’s his birthday. More on that here. }

{ Mucinex. Anna rightfully noted that the TV commercials for this over-the-counter nasal expectorant are among the worst advertisements ever created, and I wholeheartedly agree. But the sh*t works. }

{ Networking. In my younger days, I looooooathed professional networking. It felt like sleazy schmoozing or empty bragging. But now that I’m older, wiser and more confident in my ability to kick-ass, networking is less about schmoozing and more about sharing, inquiring and advising. Tight. }

{ Online dating. Ooh, la la! After a 5-month long sabbatical from the University of Dating, I have officially reinstated my enrollment. I used to be quite averse to Interwebby romance, but I’m giving it the ol’ college try. After all — as Annika pointed out — “it’s tough out there for a femme!” }

{ Almond milk. I am a total convert — especially now that Blue Diamond has a cost-effective quart-size jug on the market! }

{ Slightly-inappropriate workplace hugs. Because life is too short not to hug your coworkers. }

{ Flattering questions that appeal to my vanity. This week, I was asked (by three separate people): “Are you wearing a wig?” (which indicates that I look like a drag queen — score!) and “Have you ever though about modeling?” (which indicates that I’m purdy) and “How do you decide what to wear every morning … do you ask yourself, exactly how awesome do I wanna look today?” (which indicates that I have mad style). Aw, shucks. Y’all shouldn’t have. }

{ “Hello” by Beyonce. I don’t think the heavenly goddess of R&B / pop has released an official music video for this 2009 ballad, but here’s a video of her performing live in Seattle … who needs pants when you’ve got pipes like Sasha Fierce? }

(Main photo via Shrinkle)

To that end, I’ve decided to start posting Outfit Of The Day pics. Not every day, mind you — but whenever I’m rocking particularly snazzy duds.

Like today, por ejemplo!

I am wearing:

{ Bootcut TAG Jeans. They were pricey, but I’ve literally worn them 2 or 3 times a week for the past 4 years. A worthy denim investment! }

{ Black sequin tank top from Forever 21 … except I got it second-hand from Everyday People in Dinkytown. }

{ Light gray faux-leather motorcycle jacket from Target. I’ve worn this jacket approximately 95 times since buying it last October. Not exaggerating. }

{ Knee-high stockings from We Love Colors. One is hot pink, and one is light gray. Because matching is sooo 2008 … or should I say, 200-late! }

{ Cut-out wedge boots from Rainbow at the Mall of America. They were $15, and I get compliments on them virtually every fifteen minutes. More importantly, they make me feel like a badass. Towering above the peons is fun! }

{ Rhinestone choker necklace. Double-wrapped around my left wrist as a bracelet. Inventive! }

{ “Moss” aviator sunglasses by Juicy Couture. The bubblegum pink color has been discontinued (sorry, suckers!) but you can still get them in gold, I believe. I got mine at a mall in Des Moines, Iowa. Classy! }

{ Not pictured: a very large white pashmina scarf and a pair of dark red faux-leather gloves — it is winter, after all. }

{ Furthermore: My hair is filthy, mangled and messy, but in a “hungover rockstar stumbling out of a glamorous Hollywood hotel” kind of way (I hope). I’m wearing translucent mineral powder on my face, Great Lash BIG mascara, and iridescent white eyeshadow by Kat Von D for Sephora. I smell like Old Spice and Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue. My two signature scents. HA! }

Compliments and adoration, please!

With one exception, of course. Since I’m secretly a 15-year old girl / 25-year old effeminate gay man / mystical unicorn trapped in a lesbian’s body, I looooooove figure skating. Oh, how I love it. With a frozen, icy passion.

Let’s watch some videos! Yay!

Johnny Weir skating to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” (2009):

Does it get much better than that? No, not really. Oh, Johnny … never cease your fabulousness.

Kristi Yamaguchi and Denis Petrov skating to “One Day I’ll Fly Away” from Baz Luhrman’s Moulin Rouge (2001):

There was a time in my life (not too long ago, I’m afraid) when I knew every single lyric to every single song from the Moulin Rouge motion picture soundtrack by heart. Sigh.

Evgeni Plushenko’s Tribute to Nijinsky (2003):

Remember Evgeni? What a champ. Solid gold.

Michelle Kwan skating to Puccini’s “Tosca” (2004):

Michelle just destroys me. Such passion, artistry, strength … and joy. God, I adore her so much. Please marry me, Michelle. I’d appreciate it.

(Photo via LifeSkate)

“Are you paying off your credit card balance in full each and every month?”

“Do you have 6 months of living expenses set aside for emergencies?”

“How’s your retirement investment portfolio?”

“You’re not thinking of cashing out your 403(b) to finance an extravagant trip to Tokyo to collect plastic unicorn syrup dispensers, ARE YOU?!?”

I tremble and gasp and scream out into the darkness, “I am, I do, it’s okay I guess, I’m not — I swear! Please don’t hit me Suze! Pleee-eee-eease…”

Torrid nightmares about IRA rollovers and international exchange rates ensue.

In my younger days, I was all about Extreme Frugality. I had an irrational fear of being even the slightest bit in debt. I couldn’t stand the idea of owing anyone a single cent, so I paid for everything upfront, in cash. No fuss, no muss. I didn’t even own a “real” credit card until two years ago. So un-American, right?

These days, I’m a lot more knowledgeable (and a lot less emotional) about personal finance. I’m hardly an expert, but I spend enough time reading blogs like this one and this one and this one to dispense a little wisdom to the financially-challenged. Like you, perhaps? Hey, no judgements here. Read on …

“Help, help! I’ve got $3,000 in credit card debt on a high-interest card, and there’s no way I can pay it off in the next four weeks. If only I just had a little more time to pull the cash together … can I get an extension on my payment due date?”

Not likely. But what you CAN do is apply for a 0% APR card with another credit provider. Once you’re approved, you can transfer your outstanding balance over to the new card — effectively buying yourself a 6-to-12 month interest-free “grace period.” Just make sure to actually pay off your debt within that period, because once it’s over your APR will jump up significantly, and you’ll be right back where you started.

“Help, help! I’ve got a checking account, a savings account, a retirement account, a CD, a car loan, a student loan, a mortgage … I can barely remember how to spell my little sister’s middle name, let alone my username and password for each and every banking site! WhatamIgonnadoooo?”

Try Mint.com. It’s a terrific portal for consolidating all your online banking clutter onto a single screen — and it updates in real-time. Snazzy!

“Help, help! I’m leaving my job and I don’t understand what’s gonna happen to my employer-sponsored retirement account. Is that money still mine?”

It’s your money, honey. However, it’s not as readily-accessible as the cash in your checking or savings account. That’s because most employer-sponsored retirement programs are tax-sheltered. So if you decide to withdraw the money before you hit legal retirement age, you gotta pay the tax man — up to 20% of the value of your retirement account, plus additional fees. Generally speaking, it’s advisable to leave that money alone unless you reeeeeeally need it. Like for a trip to Tokyo to collect plastic unicorn syrup dispensers. Or whatev.

“Help, help! I scrimp and save and budget like a mofo, but I’m still scrabbling along by the skin of my teeth. How can I stop living paycheck to paycheck?”

Some of the best financial advice I ever got came from Ramit of I Will Teach You To Be Rich. To paraphrase: “There’s a limit to how many expenditures you can cut (and still maintain a comfortable quality of life), but there’s NO limit to how much you can earn.” So, instead of focusing all your precious energy on finding clever ways to save more, shift that energy into finding clever ways to earn more. Word? Word.

(Photo of Bernard Black wearing a “rather smart casual jacket” made of tax receipts via Black Books)

So then. Ahem. Some stuff I LOOOOOVE this week:

{ Kid Sister. Oh my LORD Kid Sister. I may have already blogged about her — I honestly can’t even remember. Just thinking about her puts me into a memory-less tizzy. Her music is sick, her personality is cute beyond belief, she’s GORGEOUS and she’s reppin’ the Midwest hardcore. I bought her debut album, Ultraviolet, from iTunes. That’s right — I BOUGHT her music. Like, legit and everything. That’s how good it is. Word. }

{ Surprise presents. Like when your boss shouts you an Oreo shake at the end of a hectic day … or your friend brings you a jar of organic Valentine’s Day goodies with a disturbing monster card … or your mom scores you free tix to a drag queen Tupperware show … those kinds of presents. That’s right. Keep ‘em coming. }

{ Being the kind of person who instigates “60-second dance breaks” at the office. When 3:45 pm rolls around and the cubicles are dead quiet and everyone looks like they’d rather be getting a hangnail shaved off than be working, it’s time for a mini rave. That’s why your desktop computer has speakers, duh! And what’s the point of working at a radio station if you can’t break it down old skool once a day? }

{ Being the kind of person who LITERALLY dances around in her underwear. It’s my new post-work routine. Within five minutes of stepping through my doorway, the clothes come off, the music pumps up, and the juking commences. }

{ Building a secret dance lair in my basement. Because I’m aware that not all of my neighbors want to witness my freak-dance sessions. Just trying to be respectful, is all. For the children. }

{ Did I mention dancing? Cuz I really like dancing. }

{ Kombucha. Anna gave me a handful of coupons for FREE bottles of magical fermented mushroom tea (thanks, Torborg!) and it fired up my addiction all over again. I’m trying to figure out how to buy the stuff in bulk, so I can get it for cheap. }

{ Baby-blue flannel sheets. With penguins on them. Like the ones I have on my bed. Allegedly. }

{ The Vampire Diaries. At first, this TV show was merely a media pacifier to tide me over till the next Twilight movie comes out, but it’s quickly become a weekly favorite. Mainly because Damon Salvatore (played by Ian Somerhalder, aka Boone from LOST) is so wonderfully nasty and twisted. It’s seriously worth a viewing. Get into it. }

{ My upcoming trip to Los Angeles. I try to visit the family unit every couple of months, and it’s especially nice to go home when Minneapolis-Saint Paul is coated with six feet of hard-packed snow. My next sojourn to sunny SoCal will be at the beginning of March, and my mom & I are hosting an English Tea Party. Jealous much? }

{ My new MacBook Pro. Um, honestly? This laptop has changed my life. My favorite app of the moment is Photo Booth, which has yielded many, many narcissistic self-portraits. Like the one at the top of the page. }

{ My new blog background. Discerning readers (aka those with eyeballs) will note that my background image has changed from a cartoon-rainbow motif to an electric gradient fade. I also switched to a sans-serif font, tweaked some border colors and widths and added a real-time Twitter feed. Which brings me to … }

{ My new Twitter account. I talk a lot about how much I loathe Facebook, but Twitter? That’s another story. Hey, I never said my loathing was logical. }

{ My new portfolio site. Many of you know that I’m leaving my full-time cubicle gig on April 1st (no joke!) and embarking upon a fabulous freelance adventure. And what better way to launch the next phase of my professional life than with a sassy new website to promote my writing / editing / organizational skillz? Check it out. Talk it up. Link to it. Pimp me out. Muchas gracias, queridas amigas! }

(Photos by Yours Truly)