Once—
a star said “enough”
and chose to collapse
a centerless helix
a crackling mass
and from that cosmic hysteria
of carbon and fire
an electrified orb
congealed in the sky

The choices that pivot
the thrust of the cosmos
can spring from exhaustion
chaos
defeat

Remember—
when your efforts bring
nothing
but vacuous noise
that you are a star
and you were a choice.

* * * * * * * * * *

Hello, friends. I’m back from my digital sabbatical.
And I’ve got the hand-scrawled poetry, copper suntan & bug bites to prove it.

Did I stay 100% electro-pure during my offgrid experience? Naw.
But if my usual tech-usage is 1,000%, I was at a quiet 15%.
It was perfect, really.

A few of you asked for a play-by-play RECAP. Happy to oblige.

DAY 1 :: LONGING

I woke up in silence, and realized that I hadn’t made any concrete plans for the day. Big mistake. Or, best possible mistake. A sharp & unmistakable sense of longing carried me like an electrical current. An unquenchable yearning for validation, praise, connection, physical contact. I wanted…to be praised. To be held. To be reflected by nodding mirrors. It wasn’t happening. So I cried. And bought a book entitled Zombies Vs. Unicorns. It helped.

DAY 2 :: LIGHT

I discovered Pema Chödrön’s Start Where You Are: A Guide To Compassionate Living tucked on my ‘gotta-read-it-someday’ bookshelf. I read it. Essentially in one sitting. That’s a whole lotta Buddha nature for a single day. I tried to practice tonglen meditation, but instead of breathing in ‘suffering’ and exhaling ‘compassion’, I breathed in ‘longing’ and exhaled ‘light.’ Same alchemy. Different vocabulary. It worked.

DAY 3 :: JOY

Sex is so much better when your laptop is locked in a closet, several miles away.

DAY 4 :: BLOOD

Lil’ sis arrived, fresh from the organic farm in California where she’d spent the summer slicing blood oranges & selling homemade zucchini bread to off-duty LA celebrities, escaping the city’s demands.

We argued about bathing (I claimed she needed to shower. She stated that her natural odor was beautiful) and music (I informed her that dub-step is awful. She urged me to revisit my opinion.) We laughed & melted in the comically oppressive heat. And then I broke my digi-fast so we could watch The Craft. It was worth it.

DAY 5 :: FREEDOM

Non-stop motion. ‘Cafe to cabaret,’ as Joni Mitchell would say. Iced coffee & impromptu gatherings. Concert tickets that appeared, just in time. Hoola-hooping hippies & sea salt potato chips. Wide, smiling faces. Ease. Liquid summer.

OUTRO

I watched my beau play black metal ballads on a mandolin, in an empty amphitheater on a manmade island, and teach my lil’ sis how to hold her wrist when she strums.

Heart = molten.

Oh, and one more poem.

* * * * * * * * * *

The Goal

I love you so much
that you can go—
now

I’m so free
that bordering you
in my arms
doesn’t even make sense

I’m so now
that fucking you later
is a peculiar puzzle
with no sensible pieces

I’m so here
that lusting for there
is a laughable matter
one I can’t even fathom

I’m so found
there’s no signal to flash
no corner to round
no flare to pursue

I’m so me
that there’s finally
space
to be you

* * * * * * * * * *

Artwork by the incomparable Yago Hortal. Poetry & digi-sabbatical recap by me.

Post-script :: deep & spiraling thanks to everyone who recorded a long-distance love note over at 855-RING-ALX during my sabbatical. Michelle, Dyana, L’Erin, Cindy, Esme, et. al. You are magical creatures. And I adored hearing your voices.