Are you sick, sad, FAT and horrible?
Tired of lonely nights at home on the sofa, staring into the void of your own inadequacy?
Wondering why your life SUCKS BALLS?
Feel like your business is going to CRASH and BURN, and you just don’t know the answer?
The answer is ME. Nobody else. Ignore those simpering fools. ME.
For just 12 easy payments of $99.99, I will solve every problem you’ve ever had, and increase your ability to satisfy a woman, all night long.
AND! You’ll receive a free lemon zester, as my gift to you. Plus a free downloadable PDF guide to something.
Book now, in the next 24 hours, and you’ll also receive direct access to God.
Wondering precisely HOW I will transform your life? I can’t give you any specifics, but rest assured that I shall. And how. For I am an Internationally-Renowned Expert at life-de-suckification. I would show you some client testimonials, a portfolio, or some credentials, if I had any, but I don’t. So I won’t.
My methods are very creative & wonderful, and one anonymous person called me “the greatest thing since Netflix.”
Curious about what’ll happen, once you click “BUY NOW”? O-HO! Wouldn’t you like to know! I can’t reveal my trade secrets until you’ve committed to the 18-week program, and once you’re on the inside, you’ll understand why.
We here at Franzen Industries are the very best that money can buy. I’m not sure why we’re using the word “we,” when this is quite evidently a one-woman operation, but never you mind!
Act now, and hurry, because for reasons too complicated for your little brain to comprehend, this is a LIMITED-TIME OFFER.
If you’re ready to stop being an AWFUL PERSON and FAILING AT EVERYTHING, I can’t wait to hear from you.
Here’s what one mysteriously anonymous person had to say about me/us:
“Alexandra not only de-suck-ified my life, but brightened my complexion, changed my tires, cleared up my acne, washed my windows, found me a loving husband, tightened my tummy, and paid my taxes!
I recommend her to ALL my friends!”
–H.B., USA
P.S. Did I mention that this is a limited-time offer? In fact, if you don’t click BUY NOW in the next 15 minutes, you might never succeed at anything. Ever.
P.P.S. Also! Due to nebulous forces beyond my control, the cost of my services will quadruple after this special pre-sale offer. You have been warned.
P.P.P.S. Also!! Here is a picture of a happy “client” with some juice! If you hire me, you will smile a smile such as the seraphims in heaven have naught to witness. Like this conventionally attractive Caucasian woman. With the juice.
And did I mention…
I needed a belly laugh JUST like that one–this is hilarious. And you, missy, are a brilliant delight.
Oh, my lord! Now that I’ve fallen off my chair from laughing, and picked myself up off the floor–where’s that Buy button again?
Ms Franzen, you are simply brilliant. And funny. And brilliant! :-)
Wait! I tried and tried and tried to click the Buy Now button! Is it broken? Is my 15 minutes up? Am I doomed to never have that perfect glass of orange juice? (I was about to say the smile but my thirst won out.)
p.s. Thanks for the giggle. :)
ELIZABETH :: by popular demand, I am creating an “upsell” page. Perhaps, if you are lucky, you’ll have another chance to BUY NOW!!!
Bahaha. Yes.This is hilarious.
What a riot. Thanks so much for bringing me an ear to ear grin
that will not stop. You nailed it.
ha ha ha ha, they always suck me in too! I am actually the person that falls for the rubbish. Great skit
XX
I freakin’ love this! These pages are far too common…and usually I find these from people who are going to give ME marketing advice! Drives me insane!
The conventionally attractive Caucasian woman with juice is my favorite part! :)
Wait! Wait!
I need direct access to God.
I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed it.
But I don’t have any money. Can I have a scholarship?
And can I please post why I need it so bad right here in the comments? So everyone can see how bad how many people really, really want your Thing?
Pleasepleaseplease.
Apparently I need access to a proofreader too.
Can I have that instead of the zester?
OMG this is HILARIOUS!
FABEKU :: clearly you did not fully absorb my instructions. Your 15 minutes have ELAPSED! You will now pay me 4x my usual rate. And no zester for you.
Ha! Hilarious! Desuckification AND a tire change?! A girl can dream…
BUT, is it weird that I can’t focus on anything else except how juice looks like radioactive orange? I’m easily distracted… but really, what flavor of Sunny D is that?!?!
hahahahahaahahahahaha i can’t pick myself up from the floor. it must be that i’ve gotten way too fat now.
if you read this can you please click buy now from me + release me from my misery + cupcake overload. and bring god while you’re added please. i need to ask him a favor.
thank you so much.
{i don’t even know how my little fingers keep typing from the floor}
As much as I would like to instantly go from “sucks” to “sucker”, as a proponent of antidesuckificationism, I am resisting the tremendous gravitational pull of your buy now button, and will be launching my own website in response.
Great post!
Miss, I bought it and I didn’t see God. Instead, the voiced in my head are getting stronger. I think I need to eat some Nutella so please can I have a refund, it’s day 29 and I know you have a 30 day money back gahrantee. Thank you and next time, don’t make promises you can’t not keep.
ps: When’s your next sale?
Love and orange juice all around. Hearting you hard.
xx
TIA :: I do have a money-back guarantee. However, there will be a 6-8 week turnaround time, and a 25% processing fee. Also, I’ll need your refund request in writing, delivered via certified notary courier.
I’m getting you know you! Did’t fall for it but I could have months ago. You are one of the funniest and smartest women I “know”!
Hilarious post. I must add that a lemon zester is actually a worthwhile gift :)
@Mizz F – I’m always a bridesmaid. Never a bride. *sigh*
Oh – I am so stealing your big ass buy button! I was telling my mastermind group about the urge to put a huge pink button on my site as a joke – but yours is even better!
That was hilarious! I received an e-mail today and yesterday from some of those gurus implying that if I didn’t sign for their program, I was the kind of person that don’t want to succeed! LOL! They use so many “marketing techniques” and promising Gold that it is becoming like a comedy. Great post!
“direct access to God” ?!?!?!? Girl count me in! (makes a mad dash for credit card!)
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Yes, true. I’ve clicked on some pages like this before. Apparently now there are other alternatives. Thank our lucky stars. <3 Thanks for the smile.
Yes. But. I want to have my lemon zester delivered by God. Can you arrange that, and then I will buy?
OMFG…..i laughed out loud with this one!!!! i can’t get off your website cuz i am getting off so much on so many of your hysterical witticisms. thank you. thank you…did i say thank you? i will be playing out your word play as i finally drift off to sleep…IF i can stop myself from not going back and reading this post again, and again….and……xoxohh so freakin’ funneeeeeee i am totally hitting the BUY NOW button, now.
Ok this is real: I just got a Newsletter like this about a course that teaches how to talk to guys so that they can only want to marry you and be with you FOREVER. Yeah, right.
And since I feel horrible man-wise in this moment that newsletter just pushed me further down. But a very good friend I was chatting to just sent me this post of yours as antidote and guess what?
It worked wonder. Will I be charged for this? :-)))
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this shit is bananas! b-a-n-a-n-a-s! needed a laugh and you served it up.