A third helping of “brilliance” (sarcastic quotation marks are advisable, but optional) to kick off the month of May. For those who’ve been scampering about in the sunshine, instead of hovering over my blog (shocking, but understandable) Part I is here. Part II, ahoy.

This is a shorter installment, but only because the following ideas are so “brilliant,” they need extra space to sprawl out luxuriously, like pampered princes.

End Of An HAIR-a

For when “just a trim” simply won’t cut it, End Of An HAIR-a is your one-chop-stop for DRAMATIC hair transformations. Come in with loose mermaid waves — leave with a buzzcut. Every appointment includes a one-hour session with a certified life coach, to guide you through the spiritual split-ends of salon-induced catharsis.

Years of Re-dialing

The next time someone calls you on the phone instead of emailing (bizarre, I know — but I’ve heard it can happen) speak ONLY in Morrissey lyrics.

A few choice options:

“So who do you think I am? And how precisely could you tell?”

“Let me get my hands on yooooo-ur mammary glands.”

And wait for the swift and decisive CLICK.

The phrase: “It ain’t the party bus to Phoenix.”

If someone invites you to describe a less-than-ideal event or experience, simply say: “Well, it ain’t the party bus to Phoenix…IF you know what I mean.” (This should provide some helpful context.)

Wifi-atus

Wifi + hiatus = Wifi-atus. A media-free respite, to restore your offline equilibrium. Unplug. Go “ahh”ffline.

Luck Days

Why is it considered socially-acceptable to take a day off work when you’re deathly ill (a “sick day”), when you’re pretending to be sick (a “personal day”), when you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown (a “mental health day”), when somebody dies (a “family emergency”) or when you’re fleeing the city (a “vacation day”)………..but NOT when something WONDROUS has happened — like miraculously meeting the love of your life, finding a hundred-dollar bill on the street, or receiving jubilant news from a beloved friend? Why should we spontaneously duck out of work when tragedy strikes, but not when good fortune befalls us? It’s madness!

Next time you’re requesting a day off, tell your boss, “I’m taking a LUCK day. See you next week.”

Guilt Clicks

As a child, did your mother limit your TV-watching to precisely one hour per day, and shame you into submission for sneaking in extra episodes of Saved By The Bell? She might’ve been onto something. Now, with Guilt Clicks, your TV broadcasts a stern, disapproving, automated guilt trip every time you turn on the boob tube.

Including, but not limited to:

“Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart composed a dozen harpsichord and clavier minuets by age 5. Are you sure you wanna TiVo the entire season of True Blood?

“Anna Pavlova was such a glorious ballerina, the nation of New Zealand named their national dessert in celebration of her talents. And you? Are they gonna name a brand of Lay’s potato chips in your honor?”

Truth-tellin’ Thursday

Instead of “Causal Friday” ’round the office, how ’bout “Truth-tellin’ Thursday”?

“I’m really concerned that our company’s current mission statement — y’know, the one posted publicly on our website — doesn’t accurately reflect our new growth trajectory. How ’bout a rewrite, or a re-shift?”

“Y’know what? I really abhor Excel spreadsheets. And I think it’s because I never mastered the basics. You seem to fly through it like a champ, so could you give me an intro-level tutorial, sometime? I’d be seriously grateful.”

Yippee-mail

Planning a staycation, and want to add some novelty to your self-nurturing? Set a budget of $50 – $500, and for one week, a clever minion will snail-mail you special treats, every day, based on your Amazon Wishlist, geographic location, and brief interviews with your closest friends. A dozen roses, plus a card inscribed with your favorite sonnet? A massage therapist, waiting at your doorstep? A garlic & pineapple pizza, with the delivery tip paid in advance? What a delightful surprise!

Feel like a day of inventive wordsmithery would do you good? I like playing with pun-loving people.

My 1-on-1 VELOCITY sessions have triggered service-naming swandives, minty-fresh manifestos and unexpected promotional pivots (for you) plus praise-riddled declarations like: “crazily magnificent,” “super hot, supercharged and wonderfully super duper,” “a firework of ideas and information,” & “brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!” (for me). It’s a rollickingly good time, for rare birds with rowdy visions. Like…you, perchance? Marvelous. Let’s mind-meld.