“You are not a brat.”
– My big brother, elementary school graduation, 1995
“When you start talking, everyone listens.”
– Thespian club member, unremarkable afternoon, 2002
“Damn girrrrrl. You smell good. Makes me wanna spend some money on you, or sumthin!”
– Enthusiastic fellow, cheese aisle, West Hollywood Trader Joe’s, 2005
“You look just like Elton John. Are you . . . a man?”
– Random frat boy, Halloween night, 2006
“You almost hotted me to death (wheeze).”
– My asthmatic beau, 2010
“I’m so proud of the life you’re designing.”
– My mom, en route to LAX, 2011
Potent, Provocative Compliments
I’ve received plenty of lofty praise over the course of my 26 years. But the compliments I remember vividly — the ones I filed away in my Permanent Compliment Repository — all had a few things in common.
:: They were unsolicited & delightfully unexpected.
:: They were short, sweet & to the point.
:: They highlighted an aspect of ME that I’d forgotten was . . . compliment-worthy.
So, what’s the secret formula for courageous compliments?
I’ve got a theory or two.
BE STARTLINGLY SPECIFIC
“You’re so pretty.” = meh.
“You’re so pretty, it’s almost offensive.” = YES.
“I liked your latest blog post.” = blah.
“Your latest blog post triggered an epic sobfest, followed by two hours of journaling & some serious realizations about my relationship with money.” = WORD.
“You look nice today.” = um, thanks?
“You are working that turtleneck sweater, Miss Thing! Clear the floor! Runway battle!” = TRUTH.
LOCK EYES & LURE ‘EM IN
I talk about eye contact all the flipping time. But really. Really. It’s a long-lost art. Direct, unwavering eye contact amplifies everything you say, ten-thousand-fold.
DON’T DELAY
What a you waiting for? A wedding? A book launch? A presidential election? If you’ve got a compliment to bestow, don’t waste a moment. And don’t wait for The Moment. Just give it. Random, non sequitur praise is often the most memorable. And appreciated.
USE HUNDRED-DOLLAR WORDS
Brush up your Shakespeare. Dust off your thesaurus. Bust out some oft-overlooked adjectives. Get wordy with it. Take the time to craft the perfect phrase. And please, refrain from LOLs and SRLSYs.
BE VULNERABLE
The richest compliments reveal a glimmer of vulnerability, in the person giving ‘em. Think about the ultimate compliment: “I love you.” Now that’s some hot vulnerability. Courageous compliments come from that same heart-space.
Compliment Show & Tell!
What’s the most courageous compliment you’ve ever bestowed — or received? And, uh, keep it PG-13. For the children.
We actually have this new networking site her in Columbus that allows people to compliment each other. Most of the compliments I’ve received have been nice, but one or two have gotten me teary. And you’re right…they’ve always been about the parts of myself I maybe, sort of knew existed, but seemed to resonate clearly with someone else.
I think I’m going to try some courageous compliments on Twitter today…great job again, Ms. Franzen.
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One time the boyfriend of a good friend e-mailed me out of the blue to tell me that he thought I was amazingly brave and confident to start the GSA at our alma mater and for being out and proud in the first place. I had a really hard time coming out (granted, he doesn’t know that), and graduated quite a while before this e-mail, so I was extremely thrown off-in a good way. This same boyfriend of a friend e-mailed me after he saw Gadfly’s first show to praise me for following my dreams, being a good director, and overall knowing what I’m doing in life. For the second time in a month this same boy brought me tears of joy!
The best compliment I’ve received is by one of my good friends; a girl who is basically an older sister to me. While discussing some of my insecurities, she sat me down and told me that I was brave, smart, and beautiful. She commenced to tell me that anyone would be lucky to go out with me, or even spend time with me. Even though externally I just stammered out a ‘thank you’, internally I felt like the best person in the world. :)
Hey, do you have anything about how to drink in a compliment?
TNR :: A Columbus, Ohio Compliment Cohort? That sounds chock full o’ Midwestern gallantry!
KATY SNOW :: Gotta love it when an unexpected fan praises your vocational lovechild.
LEE :: Yusss. Older sister-esque praise is a very special variety. Validation wrapped in wisdom.
BRIDGET :: I recommend bendy straws.
Last year, just when I was incubating the idea that I might quit the 9-5 and go it alone, I sent a ‘you guys are seriously shit and need to sort it out’ email to the management [and copied in the WHOLE of the company].
Well, I suprisingly didn’t get fired but I did get a dozen or so compliments from fellow workers saying things like ‘you are my hero’ and ‘you have the biggest balls EVA for doing that’
I was pretty chuffed that my desire to do the right thing and make my voice heard, resulted in some fab compliments.
Scrumptious!!!
I’ll always remember walking down the street as an eighteen year old in our lil town and an older man stopping me to say “Darling, you have the most beautiful smile in the world. Don’t ever stop smiling your smile.”
Pure magic.
I was buying the Big Issue from a homeless gentleman in Brighton, and as we smiled at each other and I wished him a good day, he remarked courteously on my Irish eyes. I felt utterly disarmed – he’d noticed something no-one had ever mentioned before. Yes, my eyes are green, but I wear glasses and this was the first time I’d ever had such a compliment. The memory still makes me walk a little taller!