Last week’s Combat-Ready Comebacks post was quite the sleeper box-office hit. Your comments were intriguing, compelling and inspiring. Most importantly, I got schooled about using the word “lame” (as in, “physically disabled”) as a synonym for “bad.” Thanks to your gentle-but-firm nudges, I am now 58% less douchetastic!
I’m riding the comeback wave, and dishing out 12 more self-assured, assertive statements — based on your impassioned requests. Engage. Illuminate. And enjoy.
I wanna hear these lifescripts echoing in hallowed halls across the nation.
SETTING: You’re browsing through the Discount Strumpet Aisle at Forever 21, in search of seasonal finery. Your shopping buddy sighs, mopes, and mucks about, declaring: “GAAAWD, I’m sooooo fat!”
Instead of saying:
“No, you’re not!” { roll eyes in irritation }
If your friend ISN’T fat, try saying:
“Hey, doll, you’re gorgeous. Foolishly, wildly, maniacally gorgeous. I wish you could see yourself the way of the rest of the world does. You’d be prancing about like a prize-winning unicorn, instead of wasting precious daylight frowning in the mirror. So, let’s cut the fat-talk, and focus on finding the faux-fur shawl that’ll complete your Anna Karenina winter ball costume!”
Or perhaps:
“You’re fat. And I’m stupid. Yay, we’re both completely out of touch with reality! No wonder we’re such good friends.”
If your friend IS fat, try saying:
“Yup, you’re fat. You’re fat — and brilliant, and generous, and sexy, and hilarious, and progressive, and inspiring, and my frickin’ best friend in the world. I never want you to change, unless YOU want to change. I just want you to be happy as a clam. So, let’s ring up that V-neck sweater and get outta here. The world needs a dose of your curves, before sundown.”
SETTING: You’re an inked-up vixen. Full-sleeves, back piece — a regular Kat Von D. You’re struttin’ down the street in a sleeveless tank, looking like a walking work of art. Random Passerby #1 feels compelled to mutter to Faceless Goon #2, “What a shame. She’d be so pretty if she weren’t covered in all those tattoos.”
Instead of saying:
“{ Insert expletive here }, you shallow cowbell!”
Try saying:
“That’s interesting. You think I’d be prettier without my tattoos. And I think I’m beautiful with them. Isn’t it lovely that was can have differing visions of beauty, and still treat one another with respect? And a very good day to you, too!”
Or:
“And you’d be prettier if you weren’t covered in all that bigotry!” { Only recommended if you’re a scrappy street fighter with advanced martial arts training }
Or:
“I couldn’t help but overhear your comment about my body. Since you felt comfortable voicing your aesthetic opinion to a total stranger, I thought I’d share my own. I adore my tattoos. They’re a physical representation of my spirit, my style, and my life story. This tattoo is dedicated to my mom, who passed away. This one represents my love of traveling and adventure. This one commemorates my college graduation. And this one is still a work-in-progress, like me. And like you, I’d imagine. Pretty neat, huh?”
SETTING: You’re crammed in a sticky diner booth with a gaggle of hungry comrades. The waitress brings over your meals. Seared flesh all around — except for your plate. Veggie-phobic mockery ensues.
Instead of saying:
“Y’all are @*$#-ing murderers!”
Try saying:
“Y’know, the interplay between food, physicality and morality is complicated. I’ve chosen a vegetarian / flexitarian / vegan / raw food lifestyle, because it feels right for my body — and my belief system. I’m not gonna shove my veggie burger down your gullet, and I’m certainly not gonna shove my personal ‘isms down your throat, either. I’d be stoked if you’d offer me the same respect. And enjoy your corned beef hash, homeskillet.”
Or:
“Fun fact: it takes about 1,000 gallons of water — a DAY — to support your meat-eating lifestyle. Me? A paltry 400. Just doing my part to save the planet from turning into a barren wasteland, yo. You’re welcome.”
Or:
“Jeez, are you really so offended by the stuff I enjoy? Remind me never to invite you to my annual ladies-only pillow-fight slumber party & hot oil-wrestling chocolate-chip pancake brunch. This year’s theme is ‘nudity,’ by the way.”
SETTING: You’re carousing with your coterie, who (thanks to your forceful nudges) have eliminated “gay” and “lame” from their vocabulary (as pejorative terms). But! Fresh insults await, in the form of “retarded.”
Instead of saying:
{ Nothing }
Try saying:
“I’m kind of flabbergasted that you think it’s okay to say ‘retarded’ when you mean ‘bad.’ I’m going to delete the last 60 seconds from my memory, and let you recalibrate your vocabulary. Ready? Set? Go.”
Or:
“Hey, I know what I’m getting you for Christmas…a dictionary! I’m going to heartily recommend that you re-read the definition of ‘retarded’. I’d hate to see you make a fool of yourself — again.”
Or:
“How would you feel if the majority of the world used the word nearsighted / Norwegian / short / freckled / dyslexic / dimpled / green-eyed / bisexual / blonde / brunette { insert other descriptive terms, relevant to the offender } as a synonym for ‘bad’? It might not seem like it, but words have the power to shape perspectives — and cement prejudices. Think before you speak, kiddo.”
Live long & prosper, hustlers. And hit me with more awkward moments to verbally finesse!
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Thanks so much for these comebacks. Committing a few to memory right now!
XO Piper
Nice comebacks! That is most of them. I ‘m afraid I really disliked the one where you propose to use visions of lady-parts wrestle matches etc to make someone listen about -isms or just shut up. It’s one thing to not mind nudity and quite another to degrade yourself, use your sexuality in order to promote your beliefs. Objectifying women in order to promote a message is something I really dislike. And as a lesbian I liked even less. I hate it when people see me as a piece of meat, especially if I ‘m with a girl when they use us as porn come to life especially for them, do I need to say more EWW!! I do understand that you wrote it with women who don’t mind nudity in mind but it’s something that goes beyond that I ‘m afraid.
PIPER: Glad to hear it, dearest!
ROSELIE: Sorry that I triggered an “ew” from you — and I absolutely hear your view. When it comes to jokin’ about objectification, it’s all about context — and intent. Though of course, in my quest to be HI-larious, I occasionally overswing. ;)
In the other corner, I decided to comment solely for the purpose of saying “omg that is amazing” re: the nude pancake brunch. But now I realize I ought to say something constructive here.
I notice that many of these comebacks are boundary-centered: having your own, affirming them, encouraging others to affirm theirs, too. But some of these other ones, like the veggie ones, seem to be smug or infuriated, bacon-wrapped in tolerance. If you listen, you can hear which ones have a smile hidden in the background and which ones are ready to pounce.
Point in one: are these righteous or self-righteous?
*tosses two cents in the jar*
MISH: First off, “bacon-wrapped in tolerance” = my new favorite expression. ;)
I think any of these comebacks can range from firm-and-loving to super-snarky — depending on the TONE and the INTENT with which they are delivered, as well as your facial expressions and body language. And tone depends on the crowd — are you hanging with your BFF? A prospective client? Some foolish ruffians who need to be schooled? Your mom?
I’m hoping people will get inspired by the quippy wordplay, but add their own authentic spin…and always lean towards the firm-and-loving end of the spectrum, even when the words are cheeky. Yeah? Rock on…
I love these! The child-free comeback scored me silence for once, so thank you! I like that there’s a variety for each situation, and I agree that the most benefit comes from your own interpretation and the thought process that’s triggered when reading them.
righteous, Alex. Projection detection, mea culpa. thx for the quick reply, lame points on me for the in absentia.
I also had a realization that onions are like candy for vegetarians, especially when pan-fried in exactly the same way as bacon. animal-friendly types PLZ feel free to substitute w/”onion-wrapped in tolerance.”
When I was vegetarian I was subjected to a lot of the “veggie-phobic” comments from my family. I’m not vegetarian anymore, but I relate, you know?
Anyway a friend of mine is staying with us, she’s vegan and my S.O. continually jokes about the delicious meat they’re eating. I HATE that! Will tell her about these comebacks pronto! And tell them too to knock it off. If someone doesn’t want to eat meat, it’s none of their business.
Mazarine
You = brilliant. Thank you for being open to schoolin’ (though I hope it was more gentle nudgin’) ;)
I think we all need to rework the answers to our own way of speaking and what feels right for us, but having a framework is the inspiration a lot of us needed, and actually, just realising a lot of us struggle with these things makes me feel more positive about coping with those hits-you-in-the-gut remarks.
Also, although it’s cool to send compassion to even the most unenlightened and tactless (‘cos they clearly have their own struggles) I think there are circs when speaking your mind is more important than being liked. Especially as women, we’re taught to be “nice”, but sometimes setting a firm boundary is more important.
Oh, and your “fat friend” response made me want to cry. Beautiful.
NIKKI :: Mmm, thought processes. They’re kinda awesome. I like conducting thought experiments on myself. Hmm. That’s fodder for a blog post, methinks.
MISH :: I eat caramelized onions like candy. On everything. Including humans.
MAZARINE :: Preach! Personal eating preferences are so NOT for public record.
DIANE :: I’m always open to schoolin’, nudgin’ and even a strict rap across the wrists. I prefer saucy schoolmistresses with spectacles, whenever possible.
“I’m going to delete the last 60 seconds from my memory, and let you recalibrate your vocabulary.” It’s so perfect! Short, snappy, no room for misinterpretation by my younger family members. I will be using it this holiday season an my brothers, I am sure, as the last time I saw them they still used ‘gay’, ‘lame’, ‘retarded’ and ‘homo’ in ridiculously bigoted, unintelligent ways.