As regular readers will recall, I’m writing a digital book called Lifescripts for Hustlers. The concept? Life is full of awkward moments. But with the right catchphrase / notable quotable / pre-packaged pitch / witty quip, you can sail through the muck with grace and dignity. And maybe even shake up the status quo.
Today, I’m offering up a platter of 9 combat-ready comebacks for 3 all-too-common situations.
Memorize ‘em. Customize ‘em. Walk tall, and rise above it all.
SETTING: You’re strutting down the street, sipping on a pumpkin spice latte, feeling bourgeoisie and fancy-free. Suddenly, a clipboard-wielding nonprofit employee harangues you on the curb, asking for a monthly contribution to their (admittedly noble) cause.
Instead of saying:
“Um, uh, sure.” { Awkwardly fumble for credit card, feeling guilty, resentful & glum }
Try saying:
“I think the work you’re doing is commendable — and I’d be happy to jot down your organization’s URL so I can research it later — but as a rule, I avoid making spontaneous financial decisions on street-corners. Thanks, ma’am / sir!”
OR:
“I choose three nonprofits to support each year, and that’s all my budget can accommodate. I’ll keep your organization in mind for 2011. Keep on trucking!”
OR:
“I can’t commit to a monthly membership, but I’ll happily write you a one-time check for twenty bucks if it helps your cause. And kindly leave me off your mailing list. I’ll follow you on Twitter instead.”
SETTING: You’re chillaxing with your comrades, listening to Finnish industrial synth-pop and playing Bananagrams. A slightly-under-evolved companion unthinkingly blurts out: “That bagel / movie / sweater is SO GAY.”
Instead of saying:
{ Nothing }
Try saying:
“The best things usually are.”
OR:
“Gay? Really? I was getting a pretty strong hetero vibe from that inanimate object, but then again, my gaydar’s been on the fritz lately.”
OR:
“Dude. Time to dust off your thesaurus. ‘Gay’ is not — and never has been — a synonym for “lame.” You’re being sloppy, and it’s offensive. I’m telling you straight-up (no pun intended) because I know you’re smarter than that.”
SETTING: You’re baking a rhubarb pie with grandma / mom / auntie Sue. All the mommas in the Haus wanna know: when are you gonna pop out some BABIEEEEEEEEZ?
Instead of saying:
“Um, maybe later. I’m . . . busy.”
Try saying:
“I know that y’all are excited about the prospect of grandkids, but having a baby is an irreversible decision — it’s gotta be mine, and mine alone. I love your enthusiasm, but your sense of urgency is clouding my ability to discern what’s right for me. So, let’s all just simmer down. You’ll be the first to know if any babies are brewing.”
OR:
“I know that being a mom has brought you boundless joy, and I can understand why you’d want me to experience that joy for myself. But I gotta be frank — I don’t envision a future that involves kidlets. I’m on a different path, with different priorities. I’m making my own kind of joy, and I’m deeply, truly happy with life I’m building.”
OR:
“I’m child-free by choice, actually. I’ve got nothing but respect for women who choose to bring kids into the world, but I’m gonna funnel my time on earth into making the planet a better place for the people who are already on it.”
Calling All Word-Strapped Warriors
When do you find yourself thinking, “I. Don’t. Know. What. The. Eff. To. Say”?
Image via ImagineFX
I use these frequently and often interchangeably:
No, thank you.
I really appreciate that you care enough about me to share that.
I think I get you. You said {paraphrase with their vocabulary}, right? {wait for clarification and to clear my own head} {respond accordingly}
Wow, I would not have thought of that without your input! Thank you.
DYANA: I’m a big fan of rephrasing / reiterating / recapping, too. Alllllways.
I’m really stumped these days whenever a friend of mine complains about being fat or starts up with general diet/weight loss talk.
First of all, because I *am* fat – the BMI calls me obese and the clothing labels call me plus size – and the friends in question usually aren’t anywhere near. So the notion that their tiny little pot bellies upset them when I’m more wine barrel shaped all over really offends me.
And secondly, because I’ve recently gotten into the whole fat acceptance/health at every size scene. But I’m a newbie to that and I don’t have a snappy FA response to these situations. I realise that the concepts are completely foreign and even illogical to people who haven’t already engaged with them. I feel like in order to explain my position I need to deliver a lecture.
Thar you go Alex, unravel that doozy! :D
What always stumps me is how to reply to religious folks trying to sell you their beliefs. “Look,” I want to say “I conciously and purposely do not believe what you believe. I would like to be respectful to you and accept that you believe in something I think is superstition without arguing about it. I would really appreciate if you could extend me the same courtesy.” But usually I just tell them that I am not interessted, because I can’t think of an eloquent response, which sometimes doesn’t help and then I feel the need to be forceful and rude which is a bummer all around.
I had an older brother who was born severely retarded and died very young. Knowing his situation, it really pains me to hear people use the word “retarded” as a synonym for stupid. I think it’s extremely insensitive. I used to speak up when I heard it happen. But my concerns seemed to fall on deaf ears. (I suspect they felt I was being overly sensitive.) Currently I just remain silent, but that’s not really working for me either. Any help would be much appreciated. Thanks Alexandra!
XO Piper
I don’t know what the eff to say when someone I care about is joyfully telling me something that they did that was straight up wrong. i.e. “omg, Brittany, I am so happy right now, everything in my life is going great! I just moved out of this guy’s house and into that guy’s house (that guy being the guy that she was cheating on this guy with) and it’s so much better over here. I’m just still so broke but it’s just b/c I have had to go out, like, every night this week b/c it’s been this and that and this and that person’s birthday, ugh.” …I want to say, “Woah, glad your happy but what the hell are you doing. You don’t have to go out, and why are you jumping around from guy to guy?” It’s not my place to judge obv. but it’s someone I care about and it seems like it would be more wrong of me to smile and nod than to tell em what’s up. Problem is, I risk really hurting their feelings, and well, I guess I’m just not good at stating the obvious without sounding cynical.
Here’s another one. I know people who are sick, very very sick. And so they are always complaining about how bad they hurt and what tests they need to have done next. These are people I care for, so this bums me out. But then they drink. They drink a lot, and eat like crap.
So when they complain to me about being sick I want to tell them, “well, maybe you need to stop drinking and eating cheeseburgers?” but if I dare go there, which I have, in the kindest way possible, I get the whole, “you don’t know what I’m going through / you don’t know what it’s like.” spiel, or they explain to me why what they are doing really isn’t that bad. I don’t wanna like, argue about it, but damn, quit complaining to me and messin my vibes all up!
Maybe the problem here is my poor communication skills, but that’s what you’re here for :) xx
Awesome post, as per usual. A teeny-tiny little bit of a suggestion:
gay : folks of the homosexual persuasion :: lame : folks with a physical disability
So “lame” isn’t really a synonym for “bad” or “awful” or “cliched” or “boring,” either.
As for “retarded,” Piper, check out http://r-word.org/ — there’s some great resources on there.
I’ve actually been really successful with the response “You say [word] like it’s a bad thing” if people use gay, lame, stupid or retarded to mean bad or boring or so. Most people don’t want to be asshats and are glad if you tell them how you perceive their word use.
CHLOE: Dude! You’ve inspired me to write an entire chapter of lifescripts dedicated to physicality and body pride. Thank you for the sparklet of inspiration.
MISS P: Ooh, religion is a tricky one, because you can’t wield cold, hard logic (my go-to persuasive technique). Thanks for the contribution. I’ll do my darndest to craft some wordage that works!
PIPER: I toooootally feel you, Piper (and I’m deeply sorry for your loss). People go into autopilot and spill words without thinking about the implications. I ought know — I used to do it all the time. It’s icky programming. Takes conscious effort and self-awareness to correct!
BRITTA: Ooh, it’s so tough when friends are self-abusing, and you have to bear witness. Sometimes they want your advice, and sometimes they DO NOT. I’ll brew on that topic. Requires immense tact, and double-love.
ANN: You are utterly correct! And thanks for cracking the facts down on my head. :)
Here’s one that has haunted me forever. I am a “full-bodied” woman and a vegetarian. I belonged to a Curves gym at the time, and attended a weight loss class there. It was basically a high-protein, low-carb program and I asked the teacher if it would work for a vegetarian. This woman next to me says to me, “I don’t mean to be mean, but all the vegetarians I know are skinny.” I was so taken aback, I said nothing. I wish I could go back with a great comeback for this idiot. It’s funny that she thought I was lying about not eating meat (I guess) because the whole point of the class was low-carb eating. Well, that’s mostly what vegetarians eat, so why so incredulous?
Pingback: Tweets that mention 9 Combat-Ready Comebacks -- Topsy.com
Love this!
I always have trouble when an acquaintance or new friend shares deeply intimate or traumatic details of their life. I’m all for sharing, but I get uncomfortable when someone I don’t know very well tells me the details of their mom’s death or the time they were raped. I don’t know what to do besides nod my head and give them a hug! Does this happen to other people? I feel like I’m one of those people others like to open up to, which is nice, but I honestly don’t know how to respond in these circumstances.
Also, what do you say when someone you love complains about the same issue over and over and over and you’ve already listened to them about 100 times and have given them solid advice and you are just over it? I’d like to say, “I know how you feel about xyz because we’ve gone over this many, many times, and I don’t think I have anything more to add to this conversation. So, let me know when something changes. Until then, let’s change the subject.”
LYNN: I…uh…I am flabbergasted by the woman in your class. Wow. Sometimes, a look of pure incredulity (coupled with highly arched eyebrows) is the best comeback.
TERRELL: Ooh…oversharers and broken records! Sounds like you’ve got a fun coterie. I can relate — people loooove confiding in me, and usually I’m honored — but sometimes you need to erect some emotional boundaries. I’ll muse on that, and see what wordage I can come up.
More please. That was pretty awesome.
I. Love. This. This certainly can combat against the problem of l’esprit de l’escalier.
Pingback: Weekend Links – 11.5.10 « xoxo, tara.
My (half-kidding) response to the BABIES! question is this: “I’m on the five-year plan.” Every time someone asks me, it’s five years from that moment. They’re catching on ;)
I am someone who lives with chronic pain. I find myself not knowing what the eff to say when someone blatently disbelieves that I experience debilitating pain, or that there’s really anything wrong. I have had people say to me, “I don’t think there’s anything really organically wrong with you. I think that all your issues are psychosomatic,” (not sure how bulging discs and brain lesions can be psychosomatic, but hey…) and “Every time I see you, you seem just fine to me.” I’d love to hear your thoughts on that one!
this is fun. i get a lot of questions and assumptions from people around being a single parent. when people ask, “did you plan to be a single parent” i end up saying, no, i dated the guy i thought was going to be my partner and it didn’t work out so we broke up while i was pregnant. then they gasp and express pity at which point i end up sharing way to much info around how amazingly awesome my life is, how he lives 2 blocks away, and is a great dad, and his girlfriend lives next door, and my kid is happy and how it’s led me to amazing experiences i otherwise wouldn’t have experienced and on and on. i need shorthand that doesn’t default to him being deadbeat or my incredible awesome life being perceived as a pity. i want projection protection.
last week i tried this one that landed pretty well but could be improved upon.
neighborhood family walking buy, dad trailing.
“hey, how did you get away with being kid-free this morning.”
“benefits of single parenting. kinda awesome. wouldn’t suggest you try it though. looks like your situations looking out pretty well for you (note: he has a super hot wife”.” end cheeky wink.
I always say things like that when someone says something is gay. “Oh really, is this book engaging in same genre relationships?” idiots!
I love, love, LOVE this! Especially the first– I never give money to the nonprofit people on the street, but I always walk away feeling like the World’s Worst Citizen Ever… even though I do donate money and/or time to charity, sheesh! All of these comebacks are really awesome. Very assertive, not confrontational, and all very, very well thought-out! Major kudos!
This is an amazing post! Ultra awesomeness!
I would like to know how to deal with people who see you reading a self-development book or see it on your bookshelf and think that’s so lame and go on and on about the industry and the so-called con artists. I am pretty tired of all personal development books being tarred with the same brush. I know that lots of the stuff that is churned out by the industry is useless but a significant amount is very very good and useful and I love it!
LOVE that you mentioned the “so gay” thing.
There are a zillion responses I get to being a vegetarian that I always wish I had a great comeback for…such as, “Know what PETA stands for? People eating tasty animals! HAHAHA,” “You’re killing lettuce, you know!” or “OMGZ I love bacon so I’m going to eat it really loudly in front of you and make orgasm noises over it.” I hate that it’s socially acceptable for people to make fun of me for my choice of a lifestyle…but if I explain the reasons I am a vegetarian and the philosophy behind it, I’m pushing my beliefs on someone, or I’m too much of a health nut, or a hippie, or just bringing up a topic in general that no one wants to talk about. So annoying.
Dyana, your answers are genius! Re: the when are you getting married/having kids Qs (yawn), I once read someone suggest: “Why do you need to know?” when it’s a stranger/distant acquaintance asking. I love that.
I also love that you have an answer for the “that’s so gay”-sayers. So stupid and discriminatory. (Except when the excellent Liz Feldman uses it to “knight” people.)
But I kinda have problems with “lame”, too, though: it might not be a word anyone would use for a disabled person these days, and I know it’s in the common vocabulary, but there’s no doubt it has ableist origins, so for me, it’s not a great word for any anti-discrimination cause.
I’m impressed you’re so polite to the charity collectors with clipboards Maybe it’s different there but here they have gone so far as chasing me down the street, or yelling to me from several yards away, “Girl in the purple coat…” etc. One I told one of them I wasn’t going to sign up cos I’d just given £30 to their charity, and his reponse was “Oh. That’s a shame.” So I’m afraid now my standard answer is “NO.” As in:
“Do you care about children living in poverty?” NO.
“Do you want to stop the world’s forests from disappearing?” NO.
Not true of course, but part of being assertive is having the right not to have everyone love or approve of me. Right?
I have kind of a weird one, I guess. I’m a young-ish woman who is really heavily tattooed, and in the summer time, what with wearing shorts and t-shirts people CONSTANTLY talk to me about my arms and legs. Which gets tiresome really fast. I realize they’re just curious but sometimes I get really rude things like “Why on earth would you do that to yourself” or “you could have been pretty”…or they will talk super loudly about me when I’m within earshot, saying it’s “disgusting”. I’m a really shy, nice girl! I promise! What would you do??
In the same vein as the non-profit situation, how about panhandlers? I’m not talking about folks with signs, but normal-looking people that approach you in the parking lot (of Target, the gas station & the grocery store, just to name my most recent 3…) & tell you some sob story about needing gas/taxi fare, etc.? It usually takes me really off guard. I don’t really want to hand out money in a parking lot (nor do I usually carry cash) but If I have cash on me, I feel like a major heel for turning them down…I want to help someone in legitimate need, but am extremely skeptical that me handing over cash is the the best way to go about it. Help?
@Vicki, if you want to help out homeless/less fortunate people money is better donated to many charities like shelters, rehabilitation programs, habitat for humanity, etc. Or donate your time if you don’t have a lot of money. Then you’ll know that you are actually helping people (who will in turn contribute to society) and not just helping someone go to the liquor store/crack dealer etc.
@Vicki
One way to handle that situation is to offer to hail a cab for them, or buy them a meal if they want money for food. Most of the time they’ll back out of it real quick, if all they’re going for is money for bad habits, like drinking or smoking.
I was friends with this girl in college and we made up some pretty clever witticisms to come back to just about anything.
I forget the first one, but that last two were:
“Was that supposed to be deep?”
And
“I don’t care about that.”
I would love a giftlet! Please give to me! And put me in your book! :)
Mazarine
http://wildwomanfundraising.com
makes me want to drink alchoholic beverages