Haha. The title of this post made me laugh, and I haven’t even written anything yet. That’s a good sign.

I’ve recently discovered a plethora of delightful new desserts — all of which are nonsensically delicious, yet devoid of things that kill you.*

I’m going to share my non-death-inducing-dessert list with you, whether you like it or not. Because I just know you’re sitting at home right now thinking, “if only someone with discerning taste buds would tell me which cookies / ice cream / cakes / chocolate bars to buy! Then, and only then, would my life have purpose, direction and clarity!”

Thank goodness I’m here, right?

I’ll make it easy. No complicated introductory paragraph or amusing anecdotes. Just buy this stuff right now and eat it:

{ Newman’s Own Organic Newman-Os. They’re like Oreos, except not made from whale blubber and candle tallow**. Anna gave me a little satchel of the Mint Crème variety, and they blew my socks off. Literally, right off. I can’t find them. I think they’re behind the TV. }

{ Coconut Milk Ice Cream from Turtle Mountain. Once vilified for being too fatty (and for falling on your head while you’re snoozing beneath a shady palm tree) coconuts have once again returned to the seat of power. Turtle Mountain’s line of dairy-free coconut milk ice creams are righteously tasty — especially the Turtle Trails flavor, which has caramel and chocolate crispies. If Jesus was alive, he’d be turning water into Turtle Trails instead of wine. You can bank on it. }

{ Princess Cake from IKEA. Princess Cake — or Prinsesstarta — is a layered trifle of sponge cake, raspberry jam and whipped cream, wrapped in pale green marzipan fondant and drizzled with a thin ribbon of chocolate. There’s nothing high-fiber, low-fat or morally-redeeming about it … but that’s precisely what makes it so special. It’s a treat. Pure and simple. And the miniature versions from IKEA are so adorable, you’ll want to punch something with happiness. }

{ Green & Black’s Organic Chocolate. Fair-trade certified. 70% to 85% cacao content. Shiny gold foil. Everything about this product murmurs “luxury.” In fact, this chocolate will actually murmur at you — or your money back!*** }

*Like hydrogenated fat. And high-fructose corn syrup. And knives.

**Not what Oreos are actually made from. Or so they’d have you believe …

***A bold-faced lie. But really, it’s excellent chocolate.

(Photo via Food In Mouth)