The Year in Fashion: Fails, Wins + Predictions

2009 — what a peculiar year for fashion, eh? I’ve witnessed just as many epic FAILS as major WINS, and it’s my pleasure to catalog them for your perusal. I also have a few predictions for 2010 … if my speculations prove correct, someone can buy me a snickerdoodle.

2009 FAILS:

{ Hosiery masquerading as pants. Listen and learn to the words of teeny-bopper punk band Care Bears on Fire: “Hey there girl, are you taking a chance? Didn’t you know, tights aren’t pants?” }

{ Teeny-tiny vests. A tailored waistcoast is a delightful thing to behold — a cropped mini-vest that barely covers your breasts is straight-up stupid. }

{ Acid-washed jeans. They weren’t cool twenty years ago, and they haven’t improved with age. }

{ Michael Jackson-appreciation attire. Including (but not limited to): T-shirts emblazoned with Jacko’s image, military jackets, solo gloves and tapered jazz pants. The man was creepy as all get out, and pedophilia is never is vogue. }

{ Plaid flannel shirts. These belong on burly lumberjacks and butch lesbians, not barely-legal hipsters. }

2009 WINS:

{ The return of the fascinator. Nothing brightens an evening like a cloister of feathers & tulle atop one’s head. }

{ Sequins galore. Because everyone should dress like a disco ball at least once a month. }

{ Splashes of neon. Hot pink aviator glasses + lime green sneakers + nuclear orange hoodies = ravetastic fun (especially during the grim winter months). }

{ Oversized cardigans. Silky, stretched cardigan sweaters with delicate buttons look adorable on everyone, and connote casual elegance. }

{ Mad Men mania. The hit show has inspired countless Americans to upgrade their workplace attire … or at least talk a lot about it. Tailored suits are pricey, doncha know. }

2010 PREDICTIONS:

{ Dark lipstick and nail polish. }

{ Hunter green, blackberry, copper and cream. }

{ Ludicrously tall stilettos. }

{ Hoods, cloak and capes. }

{ Archery. }

{ Leather (and cruelty-free facsimiles). }

{ Biceps and trapezoids. }

{ False eyelashes. }

{ Metal compounds. }

{ Dressage caps. }

{ Braids and buns. }