Something I’ve pondered quite a lot is how tricky it is to identify other lesbians. Well, let me rephrase that — how tricky it is to identify non-stereotypical lesbians.
You see, certain gay ladies adhere to a strict dress code. It usually involves loose-fitting trousers, a wifebeater tank top, sensible shoes, perhaps a necktie for special occasions. Others sport easy-to-spot hairstyles. The buzzcut, the mullet, the frollet. Pretty much any shaggy, short ‘do will do the trick.
I rocked the cliché look for my first year or so out of the closet. It was fun. I felt an instantaneous sense of “belonging,” the way I imagine Goth teens feel the first time they slick on some black lipstick. You see other people dressed like you, and it’s an affirmation that you’re a valid human being. That’s powerful.
Fast forward several years. I have longish hair, get regular manicures, and am growing increasing girly with each passing hour. I love my style, and feel exceedingly self-confident (most of the time). But I worry that other sapphically-inclined ladies are oblivious to my gayness. And vice versa.
So, clearly we need some sort of secret signal to identify one another. A handshake? A handkerchief? A wink? A class ring?
Any suggestions from the peanut gallery? I don’t really want to resort to shaving my head again.
(Photo of k.d. lang & Pudsey the Bear via Celebucrap / Caption by Alexandra Franzen)
KD ROCKS!!
I THOUGHT THERE IS A PENDULUM AND EVERYONE FALLS ON IT THEREFORE BE WHO YOU ARE AND YOU WILL FIND WHO YOU SHLD THIS WAY IN OTHER WORDS BE WHO YOU ARE NOT AND YOU WILL FIND WHO NOT TO BE WITH
YOU ARE GIRLY FEM GAY GAL
CLEAR?
Mom, your comments read like those of a histrionic psychopath. And I love it.
I’m about as straight as they come but my sister, who’s my best friend, is somewhere between lesbian and bisexual so I hear a lot about this. She presents herself much the way you describe yourself: she has long hair, loves pretty makeup, gets manicures and pedicures and wears pink ruffly tops. She likes edgy, slightly butch women, and she is constantly lamenting their inability to tell that she’s gay! I’ll let her know if you come up with a signal.
I mean, I often am able to tell by looking in the eyes of a women. There always seems to be that slight difference in the gaze of a lesbians eyes, than in other women. I think its a form of gaydar :P, but seriously I really find most lesbians speak very well with the eyes because in the past, it was more dangerous to be gay, so we´ve honed down on other skills…
Wow, your post sounds exactly like my life! I used my lesbianism as the basis for my identity when I was 18-21, and, as I’m finishing out the last few months of my twenties now, I have come into my own as an adult, with a unique style. I, too, have long hair and like to get my nails done, but never wear a stitch of make-up, and when I’ve tried to walk in heels, it’s similar to the moves a dog makes when wearing shoes.
Further, I have a platonic family with my GBF (we live together with our diy-insemination daughter), and so I tend to look really, really straight from the outside, even when we attend LGBT events. I have come to realize in the past few years that I am kind of invisible. I have the blue and yellow HRC = sticker on my car, but other than that, I’m not about to shave my head again either, or tattoo a rainbow on my forehead.
That’s the first half of my issue. The second is that I’m attracted to the same un-type of women, and can never identify them! I found your page googling “lesbian secret code” and agree that we need something. After Ellen suggests a pick up line in code, akin to “My, what lovely hands you have…”
(http://www.afterellen.com/node/56392); it’s cute, but I’d rather just wear some jewelry with a secret symbol, or something…
Keep me posted!